Short Hair. Why Do I Care?
I've been wearing hair extensions for more than a decade, since I was twelve. There have been points at which I have tried to convince myself to carry on au naturale, but my gumption has never lasted more than a week or two before my insecurities get the best of me and my go-to Brazilian body wave goes back in.
For years, when I've found myself feeling ugly or insecure, I've grabbed my make-up and loaded it on until I painted a prettier picture. Recently, however, I've realized a longer lasting and healthier way to deal with this insecurity is going make-up-less for a week or so. Not only does the break from the gunk do wonders for my skin, around the three day mark I find myself feeling beautiful while singing I woke up like this and actually meaning it. Still, as many times as I've tried to implement this strategy with my hair, I have not been able to make myself feel beautiful without a weave.
Ultimately, I don't hate the short hair. In fact, I think the short hair is cute on me. But I don't feel sexy with short hair and there is something inside me that can't seem to disassociate sexy and beautiful. While styling my little bob for the movie marathon I'm having by myself tonight, I was thinking about posting a rant on why long hair is considered sexy while short hair is condemned to "cuteness" but I've realized that my bigger problem with all of this is that I feel this strange obligation to look sexy every time I leave the house. It is as if, as a 22-year old woman I somehow owe the world cleavage and a pouty lip.
Over the last year or so, I have learned a tremendous amount about myself. Six months ago, I would have defended this urge by saying, "it's just my style", but I've learned that when I feel safe enough to be my genuine self, I am sillier than I am sultry, and nerdier than I am vampy. So why do I feel the need to put on this guise of sexiness when I leave the house?
I have no answers. Just questions and goals.
Though I'm not sure how long this round of "I can do bad without my weave" will last, I'm adding a retroactive resolution to 2015. I'm going to be confident and feel beautiful with my natural hair by the end of the year. I'm going to take vitamins, and deep condition, or whatever it is you're supposed to do to take care of your hair, and stop spending money on the fake stuff. I'm gonna stop buying into the idea, wherever it's coming from that if I'm not "sexy" by whoever's standards are being imposed on me, that I'm not beautiful or special or worthy.
In the mean time, I'm just gonna stare and these pictures of Zoe Saldana slaying with short hair and let them give me hope.