Seventh & Sage


Thing 6 ( the hardest thing, aftershock )

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

*Warning* This is an honest answer to a hard question. This is not a feel good post.


Despite all the wonderful advances of modern science, we still can't predict earthquakes with any real accuracy. You know what's even less predictable than an earthquake? It's aftershock. Immediately after the main shock of an earthquake, the crust around the displaced fault plane adjusts. As the ground beneath our feet tries to find balance, we can experience what feels like a second earthquake. The aftershock.

Growing up, I heard bits and pieces of a story about my babysitter being fired after confessing to inappropriate behavior. I always brushed it off thinking it was no big deal. You know how protective parents can be with their firstborn? I was sure they had made a big deal out of nothing.  A few months ago, however, when I got the full story for the first time, I realized that they were trying to protect me, instead, by making nothing out of a really big deal. What was coined as "inappropriate behavior" in the PG version of the story turned out to be molestation.

Finding out about my own sexual abuse nineteen years after the fact. That's my hardest thing. I have no memories of what this woman did to me, but that doesn't stop the pictures, pieced together from what I know now, from haunting my mind. Some people think I'm crazy to even be bothered by something I don't remember but knowing that I was used in such a vile way at the peak of my innocence, I'm fighting the feeling that I am inherently dirty. Understanding that my parents trusted someone who would then hurt me in this way has shattered my ability to trust effortlessly. Nineteen years later, I'm just starting to feel the aftershock.

I don't have a resolution or a happy ending to this...yet. But I am confident that I will. I'm working on forgiving her, reminding myself of how precious I am to God and rebuilding my faith in mankind. Any advice is welcome. Pity, not so much. I've had a blessed life and God has given me so many incredible gifts. My life is filled with joy. Even in the aftershock.

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.   Isaiah 43.4

....because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”   Hebrews 13.5b-6
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15.13